Don Bisdorf

Inexpert Tarot Reading: March 6

Categories: [blog]

Facebook, Twitter, and Mastodon are all horrible this morning, so let's see if we can't inject a little positivity into social media this morning. Today's cards are...

Oh dear.

Two tarot cards, depicting the dead rising on Judgment day, and a prisoner standing amid a row of swords.

So we have Judgement, all capital letters and an emphatic period, depicting a scene right out of Revelation's greatest hits. (No, I'm talking about the Bible book, not some seventies band.) And next to that, the grim tableaux from the Eight of Swords.

Though I suppose Judgment is supposed to be a happy image. It looks to me like what would happen if you tried to remake the The Walking Dead as a musical. This would be the first-act up-tempo gospel number where all the dead come cartwheeling and pirouetting out of their graves.

What? Someone already remade Night of the Living Dead as a musical? Well, okay, fine, but...wait, and there's an opera? Can we just get over zombies already? Have we not yet hit peak zombie? Every other video game or board game is about zombies, and they turned all the Marvel superheroes into zombies and they even did zombies in Archie, so can we be done with it now?

See, the rightmost card here is a depiction of our world after all media inevitably becomes zombie media. Zombie telenovelas. Zombie educational shows for kids. Zombies will move into the Billboard bestseller charts, probably starting with a country song. Zombies on all the Hallmark cards. Zombie mascots for all your professional sports teams. In that grim future, the figure on the Eight of Swords card is someone who was found in possession of an illicit original non-zombie copy of Casablanca, and has been sentenced to listen to twelve hours of the hit Garth Brooks song "You Broke My Heart But You Forgot To Shoot Me In The Head."

So today's message is that it's maybe time to rotate some other horror stories back into play. Maybe Gothics? Spooky castles are cool, right? There's a spooky castle in the back of the Eight of Swords card, so that's clearly a sign. I'll go pitch it to the Marvel folks right now. The rest of you have a good weekend.

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